Hi Friends

     Friendship is a topic that's dear to my heart, for I've always had a great number of problems with the whole concept. When I was young, our family moved regularly (military), so I never really learned how to be a friend on a long-term basis. I never had time to reach any level of comfort or security in a friendship. Add to this the great amount of fear that I have of people, and you get someone who had a very hard time establishing, maintaining, and nurturing friendships. The bottom line was that I didn't ever feel that people wanted to be around me--there was always something better that they'd rather be doing. So I didn't call someone and say "Let's go see a movie," or "Let's go hiking tomorrow." I wanted to, but I never did. So I ended up being alone, wishing I weren't. 

Even now I still carry that fear as a part of me, but I can show my caring in spite of the fear--I haven't gotten rid of it, but usually I'm able to work with it, recognize it, and deal with it on my terms, not its terms.  It's not easy, though--there are still plenty of times when I feel I don't belong, when I feel that people would much rather be with someone else than with me.

But more and more I learn the value of those people who will stand by me through anything, and the value of standing by my friends through anything.  More than anything else, I've learned to lower my expectations of my friends in one important area--I don't need constant affirmation that they consider me to be a friend.  I accept that I am a friend, and I don't need to hear it to believe it.

Still, there are few people whom I would consider to be true friends.  Part of that is due to the type of person I am.  I'm not very extroverted, and I am somewhat guarded in my relations with others.  But I've come to realize that's okay, and that's part of who I am.  I would much rather have few good friends than many superficial friendships.  But I also know now that if I want more friends, it's up to me to make them, and not up to them to come to me and introduce themselves.

If you're like I was and you want to have more friends, pick up the phone, or the next time you're talking to someone you'd like to be friends with, suggest a cup of coffee somewhere or a walk or a hike.  You'd be surprised how many people would like to be your friends, if only you'd let them.  If you're more comfortable with fewer friends, let that be and accept it.  No matter what, it's important that we treat others with the dignity and respect that our best friends deserve, and eventually we'll be able to call every person "friend," whether we know them or not.

-tdw